During my first on-site for Equus Coach training, I was asked to fetch Sundance, a mare in heat, for our next exercise. Simple enough, right? Not so much.
I approached Sundance like a task to be completed. We started walking down the road, and she began pushing into me. I pushed back. She pushed harder. I pushed back again. No request. No invitation. Just effort and determination.
Guess who won?
It wasn’t until the following morning that I realized what had gone wrong. I had forgotten some of the most basic skills I had been taught just the day before. I wasn’t in relationship with Sundance. I was in task mode. I was trying to make something happen instead of inviting partnership.
I felt like I had let both of us down.
Later that afternoon, I had one last opportunity to be coached during the on-site, and I chose to work with Sundance again. This time, my intention was different. I decided to listen. To speak from my heart. To be present rather than performative.
Standing in the center of the round pen, I closed my eyes and took a breath. I silently thought, please forgive me. Sundance walked up beside me and aligned her heart with mine. We moved together around the pen, our steps nearly matching. No equipment. No effort. The anxious, animated horse from the day before was suddenly soft and connected.
Kasia, my coach and instructor, laughed and asked, “Who are you, and what did you do to Sundance?”
What changed wasn’t technique. It was me.
That moment has stayed with me because it mirrored my recovery so well. Willpower didn’t work. White-knuckling doesn’t restore trust. Whether we are recovering from addiction, grief, trauma, illness, or profound life disruption, force does not heal us.
Recovery asks for vulnerability. For honesty. For learning how to listen inwardly again, often after years of self-abandonment.
Horses immediately recognize when we are pushing ourselves in the way we have learned to survive. They also know when we soften, when we show up congruent, when we stop trying to prove anything.
This is why Equus Coaching is such a powerful modality for women in recovery and transition. It bypasses the stories and goes straight to the truth of the moment. It teaches partnership rather than perfection—invitation rather than force.
And it reminds us that healing doesn’t require fixing who we are; it only requires remembering.
On April 16-19, 2026 Master Facilitator TJ Killoran and I will be hosting a retreat for women in recovery called BRAVE in the Desert at Apache Springs Ranch, Sonoita, AZ. You can find more information, including how to register here.
* Listen to Nancy talk about Reinvention After Recovery on a recent YouTube episode.